FootyJokes.com

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them. 

Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted. 

Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit. 

Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down. 

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities. 

Q: What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: Both are f**ing bad singers!!! 

Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough. 

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson. 

Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy. 

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog. 

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick 

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.