FootyJokes.com

 2. British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Nottingham Forest.
The company think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures. 

3. Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Man Utd striker Diego Forlan?A: Clinton can score. 

4. Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?A: A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.

 5. Gazza : Wahey Boss! ken that jiggisaw puzzle I wiz doing? Yeel never guess - I've finished it and only took me 6 months!Walter Smith : Well, what's so good about 6 months???
Gazza : Like it says Gaffer - on the box it said '3 to 6 years'

 6. Apparently, when Harry Redknapp was West ham manager he offered to send the squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined. They'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

7. Sunderland manager Peter Reid walked into the Nationwide Building Society one day whilst a robbery was in progress. One of the robbers hit him over the head and knocked Reidsy out. Whilst coming around, Reid said "Christ, where the hell am I"
One of the staff told him he was in the Nationwide
Reid replied - "It's May already then!" 

8. Q: What's the difference between West Ham and an albatross? A: An albatross has got two decent wings. 

9. Q: What is the difference between Coventry and the bermuda triangle?A: The bermuda triangle has three points.

11. A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"
"Because he beats me" said the little boy.
"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.
Because she beats me aswell.
"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"
The little boy replied" I would like to live with Southampton FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"

 12. Q: How do you make a Gunners fan run?A: Build a job centre.

 13. Q: Why do Hearts fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tynecastle?A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season. 

14. Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Villa Park? A: They score.

15. Q: What tea do footballers drink?
A. PenalTea!

 16. Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.
- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.

18. Q: What's the difference between an Everton fan and a supermarket trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.

20. Q: How many Manchester City soccer fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

 21. A Derby County and Middlesborough fan are strolling along Duke Street and suddenly the Middlesborough supporter says "Woooh! would ya look at that dead bird!". The Derby County fan looks skywards and says "huh, Where???" 

22. Q: How many Evertonians does it take to change a light bulb?A: As many as you like, but they'll never see the light. 

23. Q: What do you call a Wimbledon fan with an IQ of 10?
A: Supremely gifted!

25. Q: How do you change a Charlton fans mind?
A: Blow in his ear! 

26. Q: How can you tell ET is a Rangers fan?
A: Because he looks like one. 

27. A Sunderland supporter goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.
"Your problem is you're fat, "says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion" responds the man.
"OK, you're ugly too" replies the doctor. 

28. 4 surgeons are taking a tea break:1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says "Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon says "Well you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded."

4th surgeon says "I prefer Tottenham fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."

 29. Unsubstantiated reports seem to suggest that Chelsea will be releasing a new record at the end of the month, "I'm forever blowing Doubles"! 

30. Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?
A: 45,000 more Chelsea fans

32. Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

 35. Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?
A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

 36. Q. What's the difference between a Hibernian fan and a coconut?
A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!

38. Graham Taylor was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.
He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

39. A bloke goes into Stanstead Airport and manages to eventually get into the departure lounge where his flight home is being called. All around him there are overturned tables, smashed windows, computer terminals broken, upturned chairs and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.

"Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.

"Oh yeah...", he replies "Absolutely hopeless .... we had the Chelsea players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".

 40. A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.

"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"

"Screw the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"  

41. A nurse at Birmingham General Infirmary told an industrial tribunal how she tried to stop the fight between two top doctors which resulted in one of them being sacked by the hospital.

"I pulled them apart" said Alice Magee, 32, "and could see Dr Cage was in tears. I asked him what it was about and he sobbed 'It's that man on E-ward, you know, that one with the Man United pyjamas. Doctor Harper has just told him that he's only got two weeks left to live'. I told him there was nothing more we could do for him and he had to be told.

Dr Cage said 'I know that, but I wanted to tell the bastard'" The incident follows a complaint from a patient in August of last year when Dr Cage told a cancer victim he had some good news and some bad news

"The bad news is you're going to die" "and the good news ?" asked the downcast patient "we beat the scum 2-1!"

 42. A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"

He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"

 43. An Aberdeen fan is trapped on a remote desert island with a sheep and a dog. Soon, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the Aberdeen fan. However, whenever he approaches a sheep the dog growls in a threatening manner.

The Aberdeen fan takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The Aberdeen fan ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.

By now, Aberdeen fan is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.

She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The Aberdeen fan thinks for a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for a walk? 

45. A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road.

One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.

"Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked.

"I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2 miles down the road,".

"Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a lift."

The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that Rangers Fan walking down the road there."

"No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the ba$tard with the door!"